If You Love Me, Then Why’d You Leave Me?

I see things all the time that say, “If they loved you, they’d be with you.” Let me tell you right now, that’s bullshit. People often leave when they still love whoever it is they are leaving & it might be a useful aid in you moving on to tell yourself that it must mean that they don’t care, but life isn’t black & white—neither is love. Other reasons they may have cut you out/ended the relationship/stepped back for space:

  • They love someone else more. Now, this is a shitty one & that’s why I’m getting it over with right away. People can argue endlessly about if it is possible to love more than one person at a time, but I think it is. While it sucks, you are better off for them leaving so that you can find someone who loves you the best.
  • They are afraid of intimacy, commitment, heartbreak, vulnerability, themselves, being inadequate, etc. Whatever the fears are, fear can be bigger than love. You can’t make them overcome theirs, so work on the ones you have instead.
  • They love you, but they aren’t in love with you. Sometimes, romantic love turns into platonic or familial-like caring. The romantic relationship should be ended then if sparks cannot be reignited. Studies have shown some couples who have been together for decades still having the same chemical reactions in their brain as newly in love couples experience. It might be natural for that to fade within most couples, but it isn’t the ideal & the ideal isn’t unattainable. Bless anyone that refuses to settle, that is in love with themselves enough to let go what has been long lost.
  • You’ve grown apart from each other. You want different things, different lives. Everyone knows, but while one person is wanting to drag the dead horse around, the other is wanting to bury it.
  • The relationship moved too quickly. You didn’t know each other well enough before you took the plunge & they realize before you do that the only thing that ever held you together is erotic/romantic love—or even just the commitment that was made. While a yin & yang dynamic of differences where you can balance each other’s flaws is important, a relationship also needs a certain amount of similarities between people to work. If you aren’t at all alike, it will be difficult to understand where the other is coming from. For success, you have to be able to relate to each other.
  • They are bored or unhappy for whatever reason. They’ve tried to find a way to fix it while staying, but have decided that leaving is the right choice for them. It sounds like a douchebag move, but it takes bravery to leave the comfort zone they’ve built & search for what will bring them fulfillment. Some journeys are ones we have to walk alone.
  • They want to focus on their goals. This is actually a real thing. Relationships take a lot of work, energy, time, & emotional exertion that could be used on other pursuits. Again, it sounds like a lame/mean excuse, but that’s their priority right now & they are showing you love by letting you go instead of allowing the relationship to suffer/grow into something resentful. I personally like to date very motivated & ambitious people because I am very motivated & ambitious & I find laziness abhorrent. A motivated partner keeps me from falling into stagnancy myself. The habits of our partners, the mood of them even, their outlook, all those things can influence us & either they can influence us positively or they can hold us back from blossoming.
  • They are more in love with you than what feels healthy to them & they can’t handle the feelings that come with that passion. Maybe it’s the loss of control they feel, maybe it’s the fear/insecurities it is bringing about. Either way, they don’t know how to breathe with their heavy. They may never know how. That’s okay.
  • The relationship has become toxic for one or both parties. They need to step back for their own mental well-being. Kudos to them. Maybe ya’ll can try again once things have calmed down—who knows.
  • The timing &/or circumstances weren’t right.

Of course, there are many other reasons that could explain why someone who loves you is leaving you, these are just a few of them. They could also just have really never loved you. The important thing is that you don’t let it drive you crazy. (I acted a wee unhinged when someone I knew loved me left me & I wish I had handled it all with a bit more grace. Thankfully, I’ve grown up since.) Take it as an opportunity to learn how to love yourself even more, to do things for you. You let go, you move on without hating them. You embrace independence & new love. If that particular love is meant to be, it will come back to you when it is ready, they will come back to you. If they don’t & even before they do, thank them for the time that was & the lessons that were learned. Simply, love is complicated, it’s illogical & this isn’t a fairy tale we are in. Love doesn’t always conquer everything—but sometimes it does. Hold on for your sometime. It’s coming.

So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.

Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead (via feellng)

(via mindjuice7)

"Always talking about what he wants, he just sits on his broke ass. I don’t want no scrub, a scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me. (…) Can’t get with no deadbeat ass.

Being as in love with you as I am. Being as in love with you as I am. Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond.

No, I don’t want no scrub.”

Today was so great

that now I can’t sleep from all of the excitement. My life has changed so much & I’ve grown up & I’m doing well in college & the press has exciting schemes & I’m going to go abroad & this life of mine is not perfect but it is mine & I’m doing the things. I’m finally more excited for my future than I am afraid of it. That’s a big feeling. It took me until age 24 to get here. Just remember, guys, with enough work you can accomplish anything you fucking want. It wasn’t easy to get here, it won’t be easy to get to where I want & I’ll fall down a lot along the way, but this is life—this messy, beautiful, painful, joyful chaos is life. If you aren’t doing it yet, then get on with going out there & living yours. Someone believes in you (GUESS WHAT IT’S ME) XD

Group high five:
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& to anyone who ever told me to be “more realistic” about anything:
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I get it now; I didn’t get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible…and enjoying everything in between.

Mia Farrow  (via femun)

(via fluerishing)