Anonymous asked:

I'm in a similar situation as the last post. I'm in love with a guy who is in a relationship, one that is toxic and makes him unhappy. I think he loves me in a way but he's too scared to be with me because I'm so closed off. Last time we spoke, we were both drunk and promises were made and broken. I don't want anything in the world more than I want the chance to talk to him, sober, but I don't know how. We have seven years of history and my heart is broken permanently.

You talk to him sober by talking to him sober, but you’re never going to be able to talk him out of his fears. His fears are something he is going to have to conquer or not conquer on his own accord. You won’t be able to make him face them if he’s not ready to & that could break your heart even more.

I know all this shit because of experience. It almost killed me trying to make him be brave & it almost killed me even more when all my trying to be there for him & help him to make the leap made no difference in the end.

I thought my heart was permanently broken too. I thought he was “the one”, but you know what? The one would’ve been brave. Honestly, his girlfriend can have him. I have something better now, someone who doesn’t tell me I’m their soul-mate while falling asleep next to someone else each night.

Sometimes it takes letting go & finding someone who will show up for you every single fucking day no matter how scared they are to realize how fucked up an excuse “fear” is. When you find the love that is sacrificial, that would chase after you when you walk out during a fight, that would do anything in their power to keep you, you’ll realize that there is a difference between the love that is good for you, the love that is whole & real & unshakeable, & the love you currently want as badly as you do because you’ve been programmed to believe that the only worthwhile love is a love you have to walk through hell to even obtain.

If he wants you badly enough, he’ll do what it takes either now or later & you can’t put your life & heart on hold for a later that may or may not come. Love yourself first. Talk to him, ask him if he’s willing to do what it takes without staying in limbo for months on end. If he gives you an excuse on why he can’t be with you now, well, that’s when you walk the fuck away, because there’s nothing romantic about having to try to convince someone just to be with you. The right person won’t need convincing.

valeria1236 asked:

Almost a year ago I met a boy and we both fell madly in love. 6 months later things got tough and we both walked away. My happiness has left me since then. He has a girlfriend now, but yesterday was my birthday and he texted me. We hung out and confessed the love we still feel for each other. I missed him so much. Yesterday I smiled a real smile after so long. I don't know if I should trust him? What should I do?

He has a girlfriend & he’s telling you he’s in love with you. I’m not going to say this makes him a bad person or even untrustworthy, because, you know what, it doesn’t. Life is fucking messy, love & relationships are even messier. But, & this is an important thing, is he going to act on how he feels or let both you & his girlfriend live half-lives? If he loves & pines for you & stays with her, then he is robbing her of someone that will adore her completely. (Meaning adore her in a whole way, not in a half way. Someone who will only ever have eyes for her, instead of just someone who is with her because it’s easier on him & she’s good enough.) & if he tells you he loves you in some grand way & lets you be on the side as he feels this other relationship out to its fullest extent, then he is robbing you from ever moving forward to someone who will actually show up for you because you will hold firm to the hope that he will eventually show, when he doesn’t actually have any real intention to.

He has a choice to make & you can’t make it for him. You should tell him that you aren’t going to speak to him, at least not in any flirty, sexual, &/or romantic sense, until he gets out of that relationship.

Otherwise, you’re going to get knee-deep in muddy waters & even when you get out of those waters, the mud will take a long time to wash from your skin.

Love, the kind that is good for you, is the love that will sacrifice for you, that will jump freely into your arms. If his love for you is just an idea to never be acted upon again, then it’s a love you are far better without.

Saturday

Stay up late. Wake up late. Do dirty things with your partner. Then spend the rest of it in bed watching football, listening to Ed Sheeran, smoking, & eating raspberry cheesecake gelato while finishing up on some work & reading poetry. I am beyond lucky for my life. It’s not bad & I should appreciate it more.

But where’s my tea!

Edit: nevermind things are now officially perfect because tea is getting brought to me. Yay. Tea!

I didn’t mean to come here like this, bleeding everywhere & interrupting the story. I just always have something I want to say—like—clouds are gashes in the sky or I ate tuna on Thursday or I really like this show you recommended or I cried salt water into the bathtub & pretended it was the ocean & that I was swimming toward your dead & bloated body.

I didn’t mean to be the person on the phone in the theater leaving voice messages to a ghost—things like—I’m sorry I broke the bracelet I gave you. I’m sorry the bracelet is a metaphor & that I never really bought you anything. When you loved me, I was broke & then you broke me more. I’m sorry for being the thing that makes you guilty.

See, this isn’t what I meant when I said our love’s like a movie, how it’s just me talking through the middle of it & pissing everyone off because I can’t shut up, but I just had something I wanted to say & I’ve always ruined the story like this—trying to come up with words, trying to bring down a wall instead of a heart, failing always.


“Beauty is not long hair, skinny legs, tanned skin or perfect teeth. Beauty is the face of who cried and now smiles, beauty is the scar on your knee since you fell when you were a kid, beauty is the circles when love doesn’t let you sleep, beauty is the expression on the face when the alarm rings in the morning, it’s the melted makeup when you have a shower, it’s the laughter when you make a joke you’re the only one who can understand, beauty is meeting his gaze and stopping understanding, beauty is your gaze when you see him, it’s when you cry for all you paranoias, beauty is the lines marked by time. Beauty is what we feel in the inside which also shows outside us. Beauty is the marks the life leaves on us, all the kicks and the caresses the memories leave us. Beauty is letting yourself live.” ― Emma Watson

Beauty is not long hair, skinny legs, tanned skin or perfect teeth. Beauty is the face of who cried and now smiles, beauty is the scar on your knee since you fell when you were a kid, beauty is the circles when love doesn’t let you sleep, beauty is the expression on the face when the alarm rings in the morning, it’s the melted makeup when you have a shower, it’s the laughter when you make a joke you’re the only one who can understand, beauty is meeting his gaze and stopping understanding, beauty is your gaze when you see him, it’s when you cry for all you paranoias, beauty is the lines marked by time. Beauty is what we feel in the inside which also shows outside us. Beauty is the marks the life leaves on us, all the kicks and the caresses the memories leave us. Beauty is letting yourself live.” ― Emma Watson

(via skiponthrough)

"I wanna be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed. (…) On cold days cold plays out like the band’s name. I know I can’t heal things with a hand shake. (…) You cut me wide open like landscape. (…) Should I, should I? Maybe I’ll get drunk again. I’ll be drunk again to feel a little love. All by myself, I’m here again. All by myself, you know I’ll never change. All by myself. All by myself. I’m just drunk again.”

God, that old furnace, keeps talking
with his mouth of teeth,
a beard stained at feasts, and his breath
of gasoline, airplane, human ash.
His love for me feels like fire,
feels like doves, feels like river-water.

At this hour, what is dead is helpless, kind
and helpless. While the Lord lives.

Someone tell the Lord to leave me alone.
I’ve had enough of his love
that feels like burning and flight and running away.

Li-Young Lee, from This Hour and What is Dead

TW: Abuse

This blog is my safe space. Because of that, I need to rant for a second about something I feel really strong about: bad parenting.

If you are a parent & if you have ever called your child stupid or anything similar to that, you in that moment abused them & tore apart their self-worth. The same thing goes for telling your child they are annoying or a pain in the ass or worthless or anything that makes them feel like you do not like them or that they aren’t good enough in any way. Your child should never feel not good enough because of something you have said to them out of frustration. If you aren’t patient, if you can’t hold your tongue from lashing out toward a child, if you don’t know or don’t care how deeply a child can be influenced & affected by the way you treat them, then you shouldn’t have one. There is a difference between discipline & fucking with someone’s self-esteem &/or sense of safety. A child should never be terrified of their parent/s or feel unliked by them at any time. Never fucking ever.

& if your son or daughter grows up to be the person I am in love with, I might behave like the friendliest person around to you (for their sake because they love you & I love them) but I will never forget the feelings of inadequacy & pain that they still carry with them from things you said &/or did. I will help them to accept & forgive what has happened to them because it is what is good for them, it’s something I also have had to do to heal from my own scars, but I won’t ever be your biggest fan if you at any point wounded the one I love the most.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse & there is never an excuse that makes abusing your child okay. You are supposed to love them, nurture them, support them, guide them, help them, & protect them. You aren’t supposed to leave them as cracked adults who don’t believe in themselves &/or don’t think they are worthy of love. You bring your child up, you don’t put them down.